My Usual Response

Nowadays, every time I chat with my friends through YM or on corridor chit chats, they always ask me about the impending birth of my baby.  Most of them ask if I am excited and of course I aver my excitement.  But I always respond that I am also scared.  One of my friends did not hesitate to advice me on what to do.  She said that we should be prepared with the bags for all our stuff so that we will have it all at a moment's notice.  I told her that we already are as prepared as we could however that was not I was scared about.  I am more scared on failing in my duty as a father, and to an extent a failure as a co-parent.  It's scares me because this little human being would depend on both my wife and I for everything, for his own life.

I am sure that if there is an evaluation on parenthood my wife will pass with flying colors, I don't think I could say the same for me.  I am not even sure if I am mature enough.  At 32 (very soon, 33) I don't think that I have mature enough to be a dad.  I am apprehensive but I am not terrified though.  They say that once this is thrust to us at the point of no return, all parental instincts will kick in and the compulsion to be the best for that little baby will be irresistible.

I believe that I will be prepared somehow and I promise to do my best because with this, there is no "try".  There is no turning back.  This needs a ton of prayers.

Any Day Now, I Can Feel It.

It's been a while since I last posted here. I wasn't able to share the excitement I had when I feel the baby move in my wife's tummy. It's weird at first, like an alien or something. But it feels great everytime the baby moves in the womb upon hearing my voice (or maybe I was just imagining it, I don't care). We also had a small scare because the baby was breeched in the second sonogram but thank God, the baby is not breech upon the next sonogram.

It's the first time that I am not looking forward to my birthday on the 21st and Christmas. Before, this time of year really gets me excited for those upcoming days. I am now looking forward to what comes after that, the birth of my baby boy. I am really excited. A little bit scared of the astounding responsibility of rearing a child. Having someone depend on me for his survival is humbling. I know, a little melodramatic, specially that I will not be alone. Carmela will be there.

Gut feel, I think this baby is not gonna wait for the due date of January 8 or 9. I think it's not even going to wait for the new year. But that's just me. Let's see if my son is going to make a liar out of me. Hehehe.

I keep on hearing people say that once one sees his/her kid, it's going to be love at first sight. I used to find that really corny. But now, I am so corny, I think I already am in love. I know it's cheesy. You know what's cheesier, I think I am going to burst into tears. My wife said that according to "studies", people tend to cry more easily when they become parents. And that people tend to get their heart broken easily. Argh. That sucks for someone like me who tend to dislike being heartbroken and who cries very rarely. It's one of those things that I have to embrace being a new dad.

Fish Ball

My 4-month pregnant wife has been craving for fish ball for how many weeks now. Not just any fish ball, the kind that is being sold in schools. Yes, the street food kind. She even went to her old high school to find one. But the then old reliable vendor is no longer there. I didn't really pay much attention to her craving because she did not ask for me to find her fish balls. I know it's a husband's duty to search the ends of the earth for what the pregnant wife is craving. Mea culpa. Today, however, she told me that she still hasn't been able to eat the fish balls she has been craving for a long time. so I told her that we'll try my old high school. I went to a public school so the likelihood to find fish ball there is higher than in her old private high school. Lo and behold, indeed, we found the much coveted prize.

Being nostalgic and all, I also bought some for myself. It's been a while since I've tasted fish balls (the street food variety) and I am pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed it. I'm really picky with what I eat and I usually go for the "sophisticated" foods. I love pasta, herby pizzas, etc. Not the usual Filipino food. Not very affordable, too. But having tasted the 5-peso fish ball, it made me realize one thing. I used to enjoy simple uncomplicated things. I may have morphed into this picky person that I am now, my palate, it seems, is still able to enjoy life's simple pleasures.

I've become the expensively demanding bloke that I am today and although I am contented (and sometimes proud) of that, this experience has urged me to also go back to my roots. No, not my high school. But my old simple self. The Ron who enjoyed simplicity. The Ron who was uncomplicated. The Ron who enjoyed (and still enjoys) fish balls, the street food variety.

After writing this, I am closing my expensively complicated MacBook and buy me some more fish balls. The inexpensively simple fish ball.

Doctor's Appointment #1

I went on half-day leave from work today to accompany my wife to the OB-GYN. Since it's the first doctor's appointment after we found out about the pregnancy, I find it very important to be there lest I be accused as not excited, absentee or worse irresponsible. Specially because I am very excited and I will do my best to not be irresponsible and I want to be always there, for my wife and my future kids.

Anyway, we were eighth in line and doctor is an hour late. So we decided to go to a nearby coffee shop to wait. We called the clinic for a couple of times before it was confirmed that the doctor is already in and interviewing patient #3. I dropped Carmela at the entrance of UM Multitest Center then proceeded to search for a parking space in the crowded downtown area. After I circumnavigated the block, I found a perfect spot near Mandaya hotel. Then I walked what seemed to my gout ridden feet, a mile to the clinic. Under the heat of the sun coupled with my 220-pound frame, it was not a pleasant walk. All for my future kid, I said to myself.

I reconfirmed that I am a very impatient man because I was already anxious waiting for our turn in spite of being just the third in line already. When it was our turn I was half expecting fireworks because that was how my heart felt since last Saturday.

Unfortunately, I learned today, this was just an ordinary day for an obstetrician/gynecologist. The doctor seemed not to share my heart's excited pounding. She just matter-of-factly asked my wife about her medical history and of her family. Yeah, I did not even count. Anway, she proceeded to prescribe a folic acid/folate (something) medicine and supplement. She just lackadaisically explained to my wife what she can expect and what she will experience in the coming months. Again, I was just treated as a wallflower. She also checked her crystal ball (or some chart) and told my wife that her tentative due date is January 9, 2009.

And that was it. No ultrasound and no looking at any monitor. Well, I was told that it is not yet needed as of the moment. So I would just have to take this non-event and somehow encapsulate my excitement with it. I guess I should be happy because this ho-hum event means that everything is normal. And I can't ask for more.

Dad at 32

I had a very long day last Saturday. It started at 1:30 AM when I woke up to prepare for work. Due to some issues, I went out of the office at 1:15 PM (instead of 12:30 PM) and arrived home at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, barely enough time to prepare for the 3:00 PM wedding of my good friend Cherry Magnaye (now Lagat). I arrived home at 10:00 in the evening, super tired.

Imagine the state of mind I was in.

My wife, Carmela, showed me two pregnancy test results. Tired, I stared at her blankly. She already had delayed menstruation before but resulted to a negative pregnancy test so I asked her what did it mean. She said, it was positive.

My tired body couldn't show how my heart screamed at the great news.

At 32, I'm probably one of the old-er first time dads around. When I heard the news, I was so tired and sleepy, now I don't even want to sleep. Lots of things run through my mind. Like my fitness to be a dad, the name of the baby, lost sleep, etc. I was scared but I couldn't erase the smile plastered on my face.

We broke the news to our immediate family. We were first time parents and our parents were first time grandparents. We pray to God that everything will be normal. This is a dream come true. This is it, I am going to be a dad in January.